Contentions At Work and In Life - How To Deal With Them and How To Avoid Them

Introduction:

We all face contention at some point in our careers and in our daily lives. They are not comfortable and many seek to avoid them like a plague if they can help it. The question this article wants to explore is how we deal with them when they inevitably come, and how can we avoid them from ever escalating or happening in the future in a dysfunctional manner.

The first thing we need to do is to explain what contention is. 

A situation is contentious when it’s causing or likely to cause an argument or something that may become controversial. The argument has the potential of getting heated, it might be someone that is often argumentative or likely to provoke an argument. With an attuned ear, one can straight away sense that something unpleasant is about to take place, an argument is about to ensue or something uncomfortable is about to happen.

This article will explore the psychological and emotionally intelligent approach (with a spice of Practical Mindfulness - the YKC way) to contention and to contentious situations. 

Ready, set, go…

Step 1 - Identify

The very first thing you want to do is to identify that a situation may escalate and is about to get contentious.

Don’t get me wrong, some tension is good and is constructive in the work environment and in our personal lives. Tensions help us get uncomfortable and propel us toward change and growth. However, contention, when not identified properly and responded to adequately, will eventually lead to the types of tensions that are not conducive or constructive to the situation or the greater good of the organization or relationship. 

Allow me to give you an example.

Not too long ago, I was asked to be interviewed for a show. I normally always say ‘yes’ - I was asked to fill out a form and due to the time of day, I flagged the form to be filled out the next day. As life has it, I got busy, distracted, and forgot to fill out the form. A few days before the interview the producer calls me frantically asking why I didn’t fill out the form yet,m? The person on the other end of the phone was very anxious and extremely pressuring. Long story short, it seemed to me that this was going to get contentious and so I immediately identified the elephant in the room. Assured the person that I was filling it out as we speak and that there was no need to stress out and pressure me. The person apologized and all ended well. 

Step 2 - Breath and Listen

Let’s break down the example I just shared. What steps did I take in order to help de-escalate the situation?

In the back of my mind, I am aware that there’s another person, other than myself (shocker, I know) who is involved in this situation. That person has a life, has emotions to deal with, has ways of how they do things, wants to feel valued and not ignored, wants to be sure that they are on top of things and how could they let things slip by (even though it was entirely my fault) as well as many other factors that were causing them to get anxious.

Now, whether or not they were considering my feelings, my busy schedule, and elements that perhaps led me to forget is totally irrelevant in this case (for reasons that I will explain in a couple of sections). It’s irrelevant how the other party is acting and what they are thinking - it’s not about me, it’s about them! 

In the previous example, in order to help de-escalate the situation and to pay attention to the other person’s feelings - I asked them how they were doing. What was going on? I sensed that there must be other pressures on their mind and that it was not all about me or they're wanting to make my life difficult. This allowed me to listen and pay attention to them. Believe it or not, they actually did have something going on and they just needed someone to listen to them and validate them. 

In order for me to remain calm and be able to handle this situation appropriately, I needed to calm the initial “flight or fight” instincts that my primal brain will jolt into. This is done by deeply breathing and paying attention to what the other person is saying. Remain silent, remain calm, and pay attention. 

Step 3 - Take a Moment 

There is a key difference between responding and reacting, which we will talk about shortly. However, to effectively defuse the situation and do so in a conducive and constructive manner, it is imperative that we take a moment of silence right after the breathing and listening exercise. It allows us to slow things down and process what is going on.

Do not respond immediately even though most of the time, our gut instinct will persuade us to. Once again, this comes from our innate and primal instincts of “Fight or Flight” - remember, we do not live in caves anymore, we are a civilized society. We are not being chased by a lion that is trying to eat us, it is only a person trying to do their job to the best of their ability. They are not trying to get us or hurt us, they are simply trying to click a task off their list. All are reasonable.

All this is taken into account during this moment of silence. It also indicates to the other party that you are paying close attention to what they are saying and that you are processing your next steps.

A key note is to not allow this moment of silence to drag on for too long - it is sufficient for it to take a few short moments - something around 20-40 seconds at most. 

After this moment of silence take one more deep breath and be ready to move on to the next step - the removal of the ego.  

Step 4 - Remove Ego

Here is where most people have a hard time and where contentions often become non-constructive tensions which eventually lead to burnout and all-out blowouts. 

It will always begin and end with ego. 

It is the ego that always gets in the way and does not allow us to accurately read into a situation or handle a difficult situation that will require us to use emotional intelligence and consideration for someone else. 

Let’s demonstrate this with another example. 

Recently someone responded to a nice email message that I sent them which was just checking up on them and seeing how they were doing. The response was so attacking, degrading, and condescending. I was so bewildered and flustered. That wasn’t expected. Here I was trying to be kind and nice, and I got in return was a nasty message. Wow! 

Upon reflecting on the email and its response, I have come to learn that the individual that received the email was reacting, perhaps didn’t give much thought to the reply, and allowed their ego to take over. I had to use each of these steps and remove my ego which I can tell you was in deep pain at that point. But I knew, that in order to avoid allowing this contention to escalate, I would need to remove that ego in order to get anything constructive out of this interaction. 

Step 5 - Respond, Do Not React 

This is where we draw a major difference between responding and reacting. Reacting is like the expression of “shooting from the hip” - it is from the gut, from the instinct, out of survival, and often time is driven by our egos. The ego feels attacked and thus feels the need to defend itself by counter-attacking in return. When in truth, if the person only took a moment to slow down, assess the situation, take a couple of deep breaths, take a moment to collect their thoughts and emotions, identify the hurting ego, and remove it for the time being - then the person will have enough time and mental capacity to respond from a much better, more conducive, and more constructive place. 

In both examples given above, the contentions have led in two different directions. The one led us to have a better relationship that has only grown. While the other, required me to set up healthy boundaries and sever the ties until hopefully, the other individual would hopefully change their approach, Who knows, maybe they will, maybe they won’t - only time will tell. 

Conclusion: 

When contentions will come up, notice - I said when, not if, because they inevitably will come up. We will have a choice on how to handle the situation. The situation will either go one way or another, either positively or negatively. It will ultimately be up to us to deal with and cope with the situation with a great deal of self-control and emotional intelligence.

In this article we’ve laid out an easy-to-follow 5-step process - identify, breath and listen, take a moment to slow down, removal of the ego, and to respond rather than to react. We are not in control of how the other party will react, however, we hope that the other person that is worth working with will respond in kind.

Contentions are very healthy for your personal and professional life as well as the growth and scaling of your business. However, this is only true when we deal with contentions effectively. Otherwise, they will lead to negative tensions, burnouts, and fallouts.

Think of it, is this a bridge worth burning or worth expanding? 

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Can you think back to a time when you were faced with contention? How did it go? What were elements in the situation that drew the outcome to go in the positive direction or in the negative direction?

Would love to hear your input. 

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In this article, we’ve mentioned how I set up healthy boundaries with the individual that hasn’t responded in a conducive manner. Many people do not necessarily have the tools or know how to set up these healthy boundaries, that is why we have developed a FREE course called Mental Real Estate which is an easy-to-use tool that will help you protect your very important asset - your mind - that precious Mental Real Estate. Feel free to check out the Free course here. 

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Yermi Kurkus - is the co-founder of the Yermi Kurkus Consulting Group. With a family background in Entrepreneurship, a heart for community and philanthropy, and his love for psychology, Yermi dedicated his life to helping businesses thrive. Earned an MA in Organizational and Industrial Psychology and is in the process of attaining his Doctorate in that same field. Today, Yermi creatively partners up with businesses to help them increase their value, productivity, and profit by focusing on their operations and talent. The results of this help facilitate the buying or selling of businesses as well as assist in the overall well-being of the workplace and workforce.

To learn more about Yermi Kurkus feel free to follow him on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube. Or you can book your first 30-minute FREE consultation here.